Posted in
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Maria,
Sports with tags
Super Bowl,
Super Bowl 2012,
Super Bowl XLVI,
Giants vs Patriots,
New York Giants,
New England Patriots,
Tom Brady,
Tom Brady facts,
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Eli Manning facts,
Daily Grace,
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grace helbig youtube,
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cheer,
grace helbig sexy friday on 2/3/2012 10:29:55 AM by Maria
Daily Grace knows LOTS about football* and she spent all week telling you how to have some fun on Super Bowl Sunday.
1. Learn about Tom Brady and Eli Manning.
For example, only one of these quarterbacks is Team Edward.*
2. Learn all you can about football.
Just, you know, in general.
3. Learn what to eat at a Super Bowl party!
At least, we think it's edible.
4. Learn a Super Bowl cheer!
Be a cheerleader. And be aggressive. "B.E. AGGRESSIVE."
Hope these Super Bowl tips help! Good luck to [insert name of team of your choice here]!
*These things may not be true.
We're back!
After a short hiatus prompted by the laziness of our editor (ed. note: Sorry, dudes.) "That Ain't Right" returns!
This is where we scan Twitter for people who say "My Damn Channel" but are in no way referring to us! And through much scientific study (ed. note: There was NO scientific study.) we determined that the correct response to each tweet is "That Ain't Right!" Here we go:
@BeccaMathers , you are preaching to the choir. I was having a little trouble trying to fit the phrase “That Ain’t Right” into this because loving Lifetime is oh-so-very-right. Then it dawned on me, “Lifetime is MY damn channel”? Are you planning on taking Lifetime away from us all and depriving us of the sweet combination of Meredith Baxter Birney and reruns of “Unsolved Mysteries”. Take some other channel like Home and Garden or The CW. Not sharing Lifetime with the rest of us? That Ain’t Right!
@obeyMeBitchez , our hearts go out to you, it seems like you are living a nightmare scenario. Anyone who wakes up from a nap to hear Louie Anderson yelling “Top 6 reasons to eat a sandwich!” deserves a hug. To the people who changed @obeyMeBitchez , changing the channel to a show hosted by the son of satan himself, Louie Anderson?!?! That Ain’t Right!
That lil grl better done gone get enough of changing your damn channel! Grl changing your channel! That ain’t right! For real though lil grl, it sounds like you need some guidance. Changing @Caremel_Beautyy ‘s channel is not the answer to solving your problems. If you need some help, we here at MyDamnChannel are more then willing to listen. If you don’t speak out your problems they will grow inside and come out as hate, that simply Ain’t Right.
@lextasy I think you need a new choice of friends. We here at MyDamnChannel are more then willing to step up and apply to take over. Unlike your last friend we are tall and handsome, only sit where we are told and would never in a million years even think of changing your channel. We also are great listeners and make a Tiramisu that is out of this world. Keeping your old and disrespectful friends around? Does he even know what a Tiramisu is? I bet he can’t tell the difference between a Ramekin and a cupcake wrapper! That Ain’t Right!
WHAT!!! @FinesseYoNigga! You have found your own personal version of Airbud! Sure, he may not be able to shoot the game winning 3 pointer or score the game winning touchdown (See “Airbud 2: Golden Receiver”) but he can change a channel! You must find a way to hone his talents otherwise they will go to waste and That Ain’t Right!
That's all for this edition of
"That Ain't Right"! Will there be one more before the end of 2011? (ed. note:
I promise nothing.)
Posted in
Maria,
Wainy Days with tags
Wainy Days,
David Wain,
Wet Hot American Summer,
new Jennifer Aniston movie,
Wanderlust,
new Paul Rudd movie,
Jorma Taccone,
The Lonely Island,
jorma,
Erinn Hayes,
Childrens Hospital,
Lizzy Caplan,
Party Down,
True Blood,
Ken Marino on 12/4/2011 9:15:00 PM by
Maria
It's back! It's back!
Wainy Days is back with all new episodes! Here are some reasons we're jumping up and down right now (Really. We are. Right now. We promise.):
1. David Wain knows how to bring the hot girls.
It's true. David Wain's past adventures have included Rashida Jones, Elizabeth Banks, Amanda Peet and Megan Mullally. If there's one thing we've been missing in our lives, it's a reliable source of HOT GIRLS.
2. Erinn Hayes and Lizzy Caplan.
Two ridiculously hot girls. This is different from number one because we're being specific. Okay, so maybe it's a subdivision of number one. What are you our English teacher? (
Seriously, is that you, Mrs. O'Neil?!)
3. Jorma Taccone.
A member of The Lonely Island, director of MacGruber, and probably one of the few men on the planet who can make this face in a song called "J--z In My Pants" and have millions of women think it's adorable:
4. David Wain.
We're so happy that between writing and shooting Childrens Hospital and making a movie with Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston and touring the country in honor of Wet Hot American Summer, David could find the time to get himself into a Fiat and drive around with old friends like Ken Marino, Thomas Lennon, Zandy Hartig and Steven Weber to entertain us and make us laugh and give us new videos to watch every Monday when we're supposed to be doing something else at work.
Thanks, David Wain. This Wain's for you:
So it's the week before Halloween and you can't go as a ghost again because your mom is pissed you keep cutting holes in her sheets. What to do? We're here to help. All this week we're going to tell you how to dress up like your favorite My Damn Channel stars.
First up, How To Dress Like Gigi:
What you need:
- hat
- button-down shirt
- striped tie
- cargo shorts
- glasses
- old-timey suitcase
Most of these items are probably lying around your parents' house somewhere or can be purchased pretty inexpensively at any second-hand store.
Once you get the look down, get the character down by walking around all day saying
"shakey peachy" and pretending not to understand English. We predict this will go over particularly well with your girlfriend who already complains that you don't understand her.
If you do it correctly, you should resemble our friend
Smokybanjo here, whose head has been poorly 'shopped onto Gigi for no reason other than we watched
an old episode of YSAP and learned about the path tool. Happy Halloween!
David Wain is a sex machine.
He dates the hottest women that you've ever seen.
It seems unlikely but it's totally true
If you don't understand it we'll explain it to you...
Way back
in August of '11 we went to Just For Laughs in Montreal and did "Wainy Days LIVE" with David Wain, Rob Corddry, Reggie Watts and a bunch of their super-talented friends.
Two of those friends were
Garfunkel and Oates aka Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci, two of the sweetest, funniest, most talented, adorable people you could ever hope to meet in your entire life. In Montreal, they wrote a song about how sexy David Wain must be since in every episode of
Wainy Days gorgeous women are falling over themselves to be with him. When we all returned home, everyone thought it would be a shame to keep the brilliance of that song limited to a few hundred people in French-Speaking Quebec, so we filmed it and are sharing it with the world.
Watch it and share it with your friends. It's like a little bit of joy right on your computer screen.
And
Kate and
Riki have both been on television and in film so they would know what sexy is, right? They're like
comedic rock stars, right? The
LA Times wrote a feature about them! They would know what would make a pretty girl want to lick an average 42 year old body!
Could it be they find David Wain that sexy because he told them that Season 5 of his groundbreaking web series
Wainy Days is returning to My Damn Channel this Fall?! Yes. That's it. That's very much what it must be. For sure.
Posted in
Daily Grace,
Maria with tags
Daily Grace,
Daily Grace How-To,
Back To School,
How To Be Popular,
5 Ways To Be More Popular,
How To Be Popular In College,
daily grace hazed,
gracehelbig,
grace helbig,
You've Been Hazed on 9/6/2011 9:45:10 AM by
Maria
WAKE UP and be more popular! Don't be like James Franco.
So you're back in school and you're bored already? Here are
5 Ways To Make Yourself More Popular.
1.
Find someone to haze. It's still early in the school year, right? Your professor is probably still learning names. If you're in a class where your instructor calls attendance, just start hazing people. "Steve Guttenberg?" "More like, Steve Not-So-Gutten-To-Be-Back-In-School! YOU'VE BEEN HAZED."
2.
Talk about how much you love Justin Bieber. His voice still hasn't broken so girls still see him as an asexual non-threatening type of fantasy crush, right? Also he's just, like, sooooooo CUUUUUUUTE.
3.
Tell them how much you love animals. Cats, especially. Who doesn't love a pussy...CAT. Pussycat. Jeez.
4.
Show your new roomies that you know how to cook. You should probably start with the
Faghetti'wich: fries and spaghetti on a sandwich...so, you know, all your basic college food groups. Later, when the local sandwich shop starts selling it you can get them to name it after you.
5.
Make a video for your new classmates telling them how much you love them. And how pretty you think they all are. And how you would totally have babies with them if they would let you. Because that's not creepy at all.
Good luck! Let us know if any of these things actually work to increase your popularity because then we will need to transfer to your school immediately.
(Intern Josh, wondering forlornly how he ended up here)
EDITOR'S NOTE: It's Josh's last day as an intern for My Damn Channel! I asked him to write up a post telling you what it was like for him this summer!
Coming into My Damn Channel as an intern I thought all I was gonna learn was how to file papers and fill out reports. Boy was I wrong! Friday will be my last day and I still haven't correctly filled out a single report. My boss is always saying that it drives him crazy how long it's taking me to get the hang of the office duties, but I can tell he's just joking. How I treasure that agonized look he gets trying so hard to hold back laughter.
What I learned though was way more valuable than any college education. I would say it was worth about $230,000, a couple hundred more than four years' tuition at Wesleyan. What I learned was the value of making the effort to gain the respect of your peers.
Before I ever set foot into that office, I had my work cut out for me. My future co-workers had already started gossiping that I only got the internship because of my family connections. After failing for three years to strike any gold, my great-great-grandfather started My Damn Channel during the California Gold Rush as a burlesque show designed to entertain entrepreneurs who had given up on trying to find gold and started companies catered to the needs of the gold miners. Grandpa Schmulie Meisel. I can't believe that was such a popular name back then — Grandpa.
My first day at work the guy sharing my cubicle got mad at me for unplugging his computer. "What do you need a blender for?!" he irrationally snarled. "How else are you gonna make computer smoothies silly? By hand?!" I chucked his computer into my oversized blender. He must've thought I was awfully spoiled, not making my computer smoothies by hand. I really had an uphill battle ahead of me if I wanted to gain anyone's respect.
A couple of days in I got the courage to pitch a show idea to the head of development. It was a parody of "Friends" called "Friends." He looked at me like I was an idiot. "You just handed me a bunch of "Friends" scripts. I think I know now why the printer's out of ink. Look, why don't you hold off for a bit before you make any more pitches." Apparently my scripts had gone right over his head. And "Friends" was a pretty accessible show. The guy I shared my cubicle was a rube, our head of development was dense as a neutron star, and my boss was an incorrigible prankster. My situation was less than ideal to say the least.
Halfway through the summer things had only gotten worse. I was miserable. My only friend was the janitor, and he was a Roomba! I'd cry myself to sleep every night, and when I wasn't feeling that sad I would get my butler to cry me to sleep. My job was a major disappointment. It wasn't at all like that show "The Office." We had TWO guys named Dwight, and the prettiest girl wasn't dating the most handsome guy (me), but instead this guy Jim who's so inexperienced with women that when I asked him to share some girlie stories he just laughed.
All I could do was trudge along until my five weeks were up, filing away papers wherever I could cram them (I may not get the job done pretty, but I'm damn fast). And just when I had given up on ever gaining a single ounce of respect from any My Damn Channel employee, a stroke of luck bolted me right in the face.
I'll always remember it like it was yesterday, even though it was only yesterday today. Jim's girlfriend (I think her name was Xamela) told him he needed to go somewhere to sign some forms. She couldn't give him a ride because she was busy. He asked if anyone else could take him, and I shot out of my chair like I was sitting on a lit match (which for the one of the first times I wasn't). Jim didn't see me at first; his eyes scanned the room for someone to drive him but everyone pretended to be hard at work because they were too lazy to take him. Finally he saw me and said "Fine let's go Josh." And fine it was. Everyone looked up at Jim and smiled at him. Their smiles seemed to say, "I'm really happy for you that you get to go on a fun/crazy/cool ride with Josh." But the smiles had a little menace behind them that signified jealousy.
When I got back my boss laughed with mirth, patted me on the back, and said, "Good job sonny." All I ever wanted was for my boss to think of me as a son, but life isn't easy. I had to put in my time to get what I wanted — let's just say I don't think I could've earned the luxury of being treated by my boss like his own flesh and blood if I hadn't given Jim that ride. And now, in these last couple of months before my summer ends and I have to go back to hitting the books trying to eventually earn my GED, I can look back at my time at My Damn Channel atop my pool float, computer smoothie in hand, and know that that one lesson I learned was well worth all my trifles. Plus it helped that I was making more than the rest of the office combined.
Thanks, Josh, er, Sonny! We will miss you! We know it will be tough going back to Stanford to get a world-class education, but it's better you than us!
We fully intend to continue stalking following you and your writing as @artsypriest and as a writer for The Stanford Chaparral.
PS: If any of you, dear readers, for some strange, maddening reason, would like to be an intern for My Damn Channel, please send an email to info@MyDamnChannel.com, and be sure to include links to your blog, Twitter and Tumblr accounts, or any other writing samples you might have! In the immortal words of the Jersey Shore kids in Italy, "Arrivederci, summer!"
If you knew that your best friend/boss/dog had an audition for a Jack Black movie, you would choose immediately to:
A) Stay up all night helping your best friend/boss/dog learn his lines and doing the best Jack Black impersonation you could so your best friend/boss/dog won't be too starstruck when meeting him.
B) Stay up all night discussing how much you hate this new incarnation of Jack Black and you miss all the old "Tenacious D" stuff and then ask your best friend/boss/dog if maybe he could get Jack Black to sign one of your old "Tenacious D" CD's because-- of course-- you still have CD's.
C) Stay up all night throwing your best friend/boss/dog the most righteous party.
The answer is obvious, isn't it? Watch the episode and see how obvious it is.
And put those Tenacious D CD's away. And don't ever show them to a girl. Seriously.
It happens all the time. The birds leave the nest. The cubs leave the cave. The horses leave the stable. Who knows if all of those euphemisms are correct? We're just happy we know what the word "euphemism" means.
But today's the end of summer internships for a couple of the good ones:
Adam and Katie.
Adam helped us write pithy one-liners and articles for a blog that we might never be able to share with you at the rate we're going.
Katie dutifully sent t-shirts and pens to about five people over the summer, just like we asked her to.
We're not sure if they learned anything useful during their time with us, but we're pretty happy to share
burritos and
taco salads with them on their last day. Nothing quite says, "thank you," like the gift of Mexican cuisine.
So here's to you, sweet summer interns! May your returns to your respective schools and future ventures be as awesome as this past summer, but with a lot less heatpocalypse type stuff.
Maybe our very own Dan Wilburn-- himself a former Professional My Damn Channel Intern-- said it best in his tribute to them on Twitter:
But they were also the BEST kind of mediocre. (And actually, they were awesome all the way through. Not mediocre. Take it back, Dan Wilburn, take it back.)
Your new favorite blog, Slacktory, did you the generous favor of translating Facebook's confusing and cumbersome Terms of Service into "Bro Speak" so that everyone can understand the rules, even if one happens to be wearing a baseball cap askew on one's head.
Here's an excerpt on Privacy, a subject that seems to get many Facebook users up in arms:
We give lots of fucks about your privacy, so we wrote this. Read it, so
you know what the fuck we’re going to do with the shit you post, so
you’re not all “Facebook, I had no idea!” when your shit is in our press
releases. That way you know the deal when you’re deciding what to post.
Nice work, bro. Now that we're finally able to understand Facebook's Terms of Service, there will be NO CHANCE that we'll ever be upset with them for using in some public and vaguely nefarious manner any of the information or data that we've given them voluntarily! Hooray!